So this headline is awkward because it makes it seem like I am asking the brother to share his condoms or something and that’s just weird. Okay, let’s put the gear into reverse and get out of that icky area please.

Today is Rakhi or Raksha Bandhan, a festival that celebrates the bond between brothers and sisters. And it involves asking/confirming/thanking the brother for the protection he has given to intends to give in the future. Except, we don’t need protection. In fact, I would trade protection in for any of the things I am going to mention below.

  1. Unrestricted access to the remote

Rakhi 2017

This basically means that you let me watch what I want to watching without making snarky remarks about my choice of movies or TV shows. Or laughing manically at your own jokes that you make while I am watching SRK movies. Or waiting till I have to open the door or something and then grabbing the remote to change channels. Protection can wait, I want to watch some TV.

2. Stop playing with my clips

Rakhi 2017

In the 30 years that we’ve been siblings, you’ve spent a considerable amount of time playing with my hair clips. Only clips salesmen are happy with this, some of them are millionaires thanks to me.  The conversation that follows is always this:

Me: Stop playing with my clip. It’ll break, it’s the only one I have right now

*continues to play with clip *

*20 mins later*

Me: Stop it! Stop it!

Brother: Will you relax? It won’t break.

*20 mins later*

Brother : Damn!

*hands back two pieces of broken clip*

3. Don’t leave monkey comments on my social media

Rakhi 2017

I will put up a picture on my social media. It’ll be deep. I think I look gorgeous. Brother will make random comment about weight, hair, face or reveal random secret detail about chin hair and now everyone comments on his comment instead of my picture. #StoryOfMyLife. Can you please not protect me and instead just stop this really funny but not relevant leaving of comments?

4.Please, horror movies are not fun

Rakhi 2017

You are such a stud. You’ll also get scared in a horror movie but you know I am worse. And when I get up to get water or go to the loo and we pause the movie, it would be really nice if you didn’t decide to boo at me that exact moment because, really, I am shitting my pants. And it’s not funny. So get off the floor. Monkey.

5. Quit being a dirty pig

Rakhi 2017

Also, I would greatly appreciate it if you could sneeze or fart somewhere else instead of the same room where I am trying to breathe. You know that wonderful act where you wipe your snot on my clothes? Hahah. Not. Or making me gag when you come home after playing a sport and throw your smelly sock or t-shirt at me. Still not funny. I may have to carry nose plugs for those.

So yeah bro, just want these. And buy me clips for all the ones you break. Cool, bye. I will call you if I am late because I don’t have keys to the house.

 

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